Just before Easter and in a shocking event that many Christians are hailing as a modern miracle on par with the Great Flood, all 75M American ‘Nones’ (those who are “none of the above” regarding religion) suddenly converted en masse to one particular denomination of Christianity, Evangelical Methodist Church. Before today, this denomination consisted of about 80 churches holding about 7400 members, which is only making the miracle seem more, well, miraculous.
Our reporter, Cassidy “Cas” McGillicuddy, is on the scene at the denomination’s headquarters in Indianapolis right now to tell us what happened—and what this miracle means.
[THIS IS ALL A JOKE.]
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SITUATION MIRACLE REPORT: Wow, I guess Jesus did just decide to change all our minds
[Cas McGillicuddy, aka Captain Cassidy, is on the scene. She’s a tallish woman in her 50s who is holding a microphone in one hand. She speaks into it as she approaches a small church building in a multi-use neighborhood filled with camera crews and throngs of people.]
Hi, everyone! Happy Easter! As you can see, the scene here in Indianapolis is packed tight! Let’s see if we can get closer to the door.
[She weaves her way through crowds of people and toward a front door area packed with news crews. Along the way, cops help maintain order. A worried-looking older man in a nice suit stands at the door, holding its handle while talking to some law enforcement officers. A young woman in a plain dress stands beside him. She radiates joy.]
Cas: Folks, last night, social media lit up everywhere in America as more than 75M people suddenly converted to this one denomination’s form of Christianity. This denomination, formally called the Evangelical Methodist Church, teaches a form of evangelicalism on steroids. They’re literalists, inerrantists, and don’t buy into predestination at all.
And suddenly, folks, they just got 75M new members. Just like that.
On X, one of the most popular accounts there, @creationistsarewrong, told her 12M followers she had realized she’s completely wrong about the Theory of Evolution. She says she converted to a denomination Jesus told her about in a vision. Her replies are filled with other users who also converted last night. Millions of other users say they, too, converted last night and got told by Jesus to join this one denomination. They’re all joining this one and no other.
It’s an epoch-defining moment for Christianity. For years, this religion tracked a decline trajectory with no hope of turning around. But now, Christian leaders are stumped about what to do with all these new converts.
The girl who prayed for a miracle
Cas [arriving at the church’s front door, where the nicely-dressed man and the young woman still stand]: Hi, you’re Grace Mitchell, right? I’m Captain Cassidy, of Rolling News.
Grace [gazing across the crowd.] Yes, ma’am. I’m the one who prayed.
Cas: How old are you? And can you tell me what you prayed for, exactly?
Grace: Yes, ma’am. I was praying for a girl at school, Ames, last night. At school, she mocked Jesus and said she’d never be dumb enough to believe. When I got home, I prayed all night for Jesus to save her soul.
Cas: You mean, for Jesus to change her mind about Christianity?
Grace: Yes, ma’am, exactly. But I realized that if Jesus can change one person’s mind, he can change everyone’s mind.
Cas: Wow! That sounds impossible.
Grace: Yes, ma’am. But it isn’t. Jesus can do anything! And he promised he’d always do whatever believers ask. I guess nobody had ever tried to pray for this before.
Cas: So, what happened next?
Grace: The next morning, Ames texted me and apologized. She said she’d accepted Jesus, too! And then, I got texts from everyone at school who isn’t Christian. They all said they got saved too. And then I realized everyone on X and Insta and TikTok were saying the same thing! And they all said they were going to join the Evangelical Methodist Church!
Cas: Amazing! And you know, I’ve never even heard of anyone praying for everyone to convert.
Grace: I know, right? Me either! But I tried it, and it worked!
The nicely-dressed man, bewildered: I… I don’t know where we’re gonna put everyone.
A miracle, but also an explosion no denomination could handle
Cas [to the nicely-dressed man]: You’re the pastor here, Roland Porter, right?
Porter: … Yes. Yes, I am. Where’d they all come from…
Cas: How many people do you think your churches could hold?
Porter: Uh, maybe 200 each?
Cas: If that’s so, then I guess most are at least half empty, or at least were till last night! I guess you’ll need to start some new churches, then? You’ll need at least six more for 75M new members. Maybe even seven?
Porter: Yes, I guess so. Maybe house churches. We need a new computer too. Oh, my. We barely even have a webpage.
Cas: Folks, this is monumental. [She touches her earbud, listening.] Also, we’ve just gotten word that the leader of one major Reformed denomination, Tillman Poppenoff, issued a statement this morning. He stated that these conversions are all obviously works of Satan.
How Jesus answered prayer last night
[Cas sits at a desk in a podcast-style studio.]
Friends, last night 75M people converted to Christianity.
And I’m one of them. Last night, I was writing about that fake ‘Quiet Revival’. Then, suddenly, I felt like I was bathed in light. I saw a vision of Jesus on the cross. He told me to return to faith. Then, right after I accepted him as my lord and savior again, he told me that only this denomination, the Evangelical Methodist Church, taught the right way to be a Christian.
Now, let’s analyze this story.
In John 14:13, Jesus does, indeed, tell believers he’ll do whatever they ask, full stop. He even tells them one verse earlier that they’ll do even bigger miracles than he did while on Earth. Other verses written way after the Gospels add a lot of weasel wording to that promise, but generally Christians agree that if a prayer meets certain essential qualifications, then it’s a sure thing:
- Makes Christianity grow and look good
- Adds to the credibility of Christianity
- Isn’t selfish or self-glorifying
So obviously, when someone asks him to do something like “convert every None in America,” he’s going to do it. That’s what Grace did. The real miracle here might be the fact that nobody has ever tried it before! If someone had only thought of doing that 10 years ago, my dad might have gone to Heaven! At least someone finally did it, though, I guess!
And to think:
All it took was one teenager holding an all-night prayer session.
Miraculous!
How Jesus sparked all these miracle conversions
[In the studio, Cas gestures to a picture-in-picture [PIP] effect that she knows will be added later in post. In the PIP, we see news clips of people thronging around churches, their hands raised in prayer.]
Obviously, folks, I was wrong about compelling evidence sparking belief. I used to say that if Christians had any of that, they couldn’t stop people from believing. But I kept running up against them saying they were praying that Jesus would override my skepticism. They kept telling me they’d pray for Jesus to make me believe in him again.
The fact that I never changed my mind always made me think Jesus wasn’t answering their prayers. Boy, do I feel like a dummy now, folks! It was as simple as me waking up and realizing I believed again. There’s still no compelling evidence. In fact, I know there isn’t any. I still know apologetics arguments aren’t evidence. And yet, I completely believe anyway. Isn’t that wild! It’s down to my bones.
Nothing whatsoever could ever make me stop believing, either.
Yep, I no longer care that there’s absolutely no extrabiblical record between 0-35CE of anything Jesus said or did. Or that his parents existed. Or that his major followers, even Paul, existed. I no longer care that not one single miracle has ever been verified (except this one, of course). Nor that Jesus very obviously never changes anyone or even does anything in our world at all.
Nope, none of that’s an issue. No wonder the Calvinists are so mad. Like the Creationists, they’ve been trying to invent fake evidence and demonize requests for real evidence for decades now. They’re doing it because they can’t believe without some good reason for it. But now 75M Americans are in exactly that state, and as far as I’ve heard, folks, none of them cares.
Normally, I’d say “that tears it—I guess we have to get our asses to church.” But it might be a week or two before there’s enough churches to hold us all. Before last night, there were about 165M Christians in America, divided among roughly 370k churches. If those churches were filled to max capacity, they’d hold maybe 75M Christians.
And now, Evangelical Methodist Church leaders must figure out parking for that many—right before Easter Sunday.
[Cas realizes something. She cocks her head a bit, musing.]
Weirdly, none of those existing 165M Christians seem to have gotten the same vision as the Nones did. They’re still whatever they were yesterday. I guess that’s the next thing Grace Mitchell should pray for!
Join me next time, friends, for a chat with Ken Ham over the huge donations that poured into his Creationist ministry today. Now that Christians know that all they have to do is pray for whatever they want, the next few years promise to be very interesting indeed.
[THIS WAS ALL A JOKE. But for real, Happy Chocolate Bunny Day!]
NEXT UP: Yep, that ‘Quiet Revival’ really is bogus cope straight from the bogus cope machine. And now, even the Christian group that pioneered the idea of it have admitted that. See you soon! <3
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